Stop calling me a sissy

Alright folks, it's time for me to get a bit defensive.

I am sick and tired of y'all mainland folks calling me a sissy when I complain about the cold here in Hawaii. I get it--your visions of Hawaii involve sunshine and palm trees and mai tais and golden sunsets. You think it's a land of nonstop bikinis and tans.  Well guys, I'm about to shatter your impression of Hawaii.

IT'S FRIGGIN FREEZING! And before you jump on your "oh please, freezing is what, 70 degrees" mainland high horse, let me ask you a question.  Does your house have a thermostat? What is it set at? Chances are it's set around 70 degrees (or maybe 68 for your eco-minded folk). Also, do you have windows? Are they closed? Chances are, yes. Here in Hawaii we don't have these newfangled contraptions called thermostats. We have this concept called open-air houses. Yes, we have jaulosie windows but since our house is GHET-TO we are missing a few glass slats and the remaining don't close properly. Our window screens aren't really functioning, as evidenced by the parade of geckos marching through our living room windows each night. We also live in one of the windier parts of the island, so we get this constant wind-tunnel effect through our house. Our paperweights are not merely decorations. We, unlike you pampered mainland folk, do not get the joy of living in hermetically sealed houses.  We are at the mercy of the ambient environment. Each day we wake to the external temperature plus the added benefit of windy conditions. This means that last week our house was at 57 degrees when we woke up, and this week we get to wake up to a string of low temperatures.

If your house was at 61 degrees, you bet your heated butt you would kick up the thermostat. So all y'all trash talkers about how I'm being a sissy can just suck it. And leave me alone about my slippers and heating pads!

(Since lately some of my "humorous" posts have been interpreted incorrectly and spawned the hatred trolls of the internet, I must put a disclaimer: this post is meant as a joke. If you cannot take it that way please kindly click away)